Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Real David Brooks

Believe it or not, David Brooks can get downright snarky about Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney was born on March 12, 1947, in Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Virginia and several other swing states. He emerged, hair first, believing in America, and especially its national parks. He was given the name Mitt, after the Roman god of mutual funds, and launched into the world with the lofty expectation that he would someday become the Arrow shirt man.

Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.

Mitt grew up in a modest family. His father had an auto body shop called the American Motors Corporation, and his mother owned a small piece of land, Brazil. He had several boyhood friends, many of whom owned Nascar franchises, and excelled at school, where his fourth-grade project, “Inspiring Actuaries I Have Known,” was widely admired.

The Romneys had a special family tradition. The most cherished member got to spend road trips on the roof of the car. Mitt spent many happy hours up there, applying face lotion to combat windburn.

I’m guessing one of two things happened. He lost a bet with Maureen Dowd, or he got hammered at the Club Manilla in Ybor City and cranked this out on his iPad while he was waiting for another round delivered by Kurt with the dreamy eyes and shoulders for days. (“Honey, I only went there because they have free WiFi.”) If so, he’s a mean one when he gets a couple of apple Martinis in him.

After his governorship, Romney suffered through a midlife crisis, during which he became a social conservative. This prepared the way for his presidential run. He barely won the 2012 Republican primaries after a grueling nine-month campaign, running unopposed. At the convention, where his Secret Service nickname is Mannequin, Romney will talk about his real-life record: successful business leader, superb family man, effective governor, devoted community leader and prudent decision-maker. If elected, he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior.

It’s one thing to get this kind of snark from the left, but when it comes from someone who sells himself as the epitome of the sensible conservative, then Boston, we have a problem.