Monday, November 19, 2012

That’s The Ticket

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time.

The Republican Party has been doing a lot of hand-wringing and finger-pointing since the presidential election. Half the conservative columnists and bloggers say the GOP lost because it overemphasized social issues such as abortion and gay marriage. The other half says the party didn’t emphasize them enough. And everyone denounces Project ORCA, the campaign’s attempt to turn out voters via technology.

But I’ve got a suggestion for cutting short the GOP angst: Sarah Palin for president in 2016.

You think I’m joking? Think again.

This is Charlotte Allen, writing in the Los Angeles Times, not The Onion.  She informs us that the former half-term governor who quit her job to promote herself and get paid a shitload is truly ready to handle the challenges of America for us because, well, she is.

Hardly anyone could be more blue collar than Palin, out on the fishing boat with her hunky blue-collar husband, Todd. Palin is “View”-ready, she’s “Ellen”-ready, she’s Kelly-and-Michael-ready.

A Palin “war against women”? Hah! Not only is she a woman, she’s got a single-mom daughter, Bristol, to help with the swelling single-mom demographic. On social issues, Palin, unlike Romney, has been absolutely consistent. And let’s remember that most Americans, whatever their view of choice, disapprove of most abortions.

Gay marriage? Palin opposes it. But she is also a strong advocate of states’ rights, and I’m betting she’d be fine with letting states and their voters grapple with the issue on their own. Remember that all of America didn’t swing toward approval of gay marriage on Nov. 6. Three reliably blue states and their voters did. If she were smart, Palin would recruit a member of her impressive gay fanboy base — yes, she has one — to help run her campaign. I nominate Kevin DuJan of the widely read gay conservative blog HillBuzz, a Palin stalwart since 2008.

She’s got it all!  She looks good on the TV, she’s got women’s issues covered because her daughter had sex, and she’s got a gay friend.  So if she doesn’t make it, she could have her own reality show.  (Oh, wait…)  Besides, the Republicans have always gone gaga for stars (except all those Hollywood liberals, y’know), and she’s a perfect fit to fill the shoes of the saint.

Ever since the 1990s, Republicans have been looking for the next Ronald Reagan. Reagan is now revered in bipartisan circles, but during his presidency he was, like Palin, ridiculed by liberals. They cited “Bedtime for Bonzo” and sneered at his no-name college degree.

Sarah Palin is the new Ronald Reagan: charming and affable and unwilling to back down if she’s right. I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

I know it would be comedy gold, and I know that she would rack up the worst election results for the GOP since Barry Goldwater, but it’s not going to happen.  Why would she give up the cushy life free of any consequential responsibility to actually work for a living?  Forget it.  Besides, the job only pays $400,000 a year, and she could make more money doing her schtick twice a week on Fox.

3 barks and woofs on “That’s The Ticket

  1. This sounds like the best possible thing for the GOTea: sElect the most wingnutty, “out-there” candidate and let her run for pResident.

    I’m serious, but not for the same reasons Allen is.

    It would let the Teahad get the kind of scrutiny it really needs: the kind that exposes how managed, controlled and generally Astroturfed it is as a smokescreen for 1%er greed.

    A Palin pResidential campaing would give the kulturwehrmacht its last great hurrah for a while. With QEotP (Queen Esther of the Permafrost, one of Kilgore’s gems) – or is that Jadis, Queen of Narnia and Empress of the Lone Islands? – leading the ticket, all the nastiness inherent in the culture war would be front and center. No pretensions of moderation, no expectations of sweeping rhetoric: just Leviticus and word salad. A full campaign season of that diet will be enough to clean the collective political colon for some time.

    It would definitely be a boon to the entertainment industry – especially the adult entertainment industry. I can see Her First Dude topping the charts for the entire campaign, and the various Palin look-alike actresses would be set for life.

    And last, it would do a world of good for all the “message has gotten lost” volk among the GOTea (such as Jindal and Rubio), who seem to think that if you phrase hatred and bigotry in more flowery terms then it’ll be easier to swallow. Count on Palin to muck that up for them completely, obviously, and finally.

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