Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Great Secession

The New York Times updates the drumbeat for secession.

The online petitions — created on the We the People platform at — are required to receive 25,000 signatures in 30 days for the White House to respond. The Texas petition, created Nov. 9 by a man identified as Micah H. of Arlington, had received more than 116,000 signatures by Friday. It asks the Obama administration to “peacefully grant” the withdrawal of Texas, and describes doing so as “practically feasible,” given the state’s large economy.

Residents in other states, including Alabama, Florida, Colorado, Louisiana and Oklahoma, have submitted similar petitions, though none have received as many signatures as the one from Texas.

A White House official said every petition that crossed the signature threshold would be reviewed and would receive a response, though it was unclear precisely when Micah H. would receive his answer.

I don’t know what the White House will say, but there’s a popular response going around, so thanks to my friend JM, I’m going to post it.

Dear Red States:

We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we’ve decided we’re leaving.  We in New York intend to form our own country and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren’t aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.  We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We’re taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.


Citizen of the Enlightened States of America


Yesterday we held an election to decide if we should invite Florida to join us.  By 9:00 PM we finished counting all the votes and pretty much decided it would depend on whether you dump that cretin you have running the place and learn how to vote.  South Florida can come if it wants to and, oh yeah, be sure to bring the Keys.

Not to mention that the blue states also include the best skiing (Colorado), the best food (New Mexico), and the Great Lakes.  As for Florida, I think we should just sell South Florida to Canada.  Most of them come here in the winter, they have good health care, and who can resist a box of Timbits on a cool crisp winter day?

15 barks and woofs on “The Great Secession

  1. Sounds reasonable and doable. I don’t agree about Florida, though. Maybe if we join from the beginning we will learn how to run elections and dump the cretin unanimously in 2014.

  2. I will stay with the blue states, thank you. I live in Ohio, and I may be only one person, but I say, Ohio goes blue. Thank you.
    BTW, red states, how did that work out for you the last time you decided to do that? Just wondering…..

  3. There really do need to be two more partitions.

    1) Florida needs to be divided for sure. The South – and parts of the Southwest – are an entirely different critter from the North and the Panhandle. Perhaps if we could swap Sarasota and Collier counties (Sarasota and Naples) we might have something.

    2) NoVA really, REALLY needs to be absorbed by Maryland. Start at Lorton and zig as far West as Gainesville, then up to Leesburg. Prince William, Fauquier, Fairfax, Loudon, Arlington and maybe Stafford counties should do the trick. If the wingnuts in west Loudon still want their Catoctin County, then we can let them leave.

  4. What amused me as I read the Times article was the point that many secessionists prefer not to address. Or are too ignorant to be aware of. When Texas becomes its own “nation” what should we do to take possession of those elements on their soil that are part of the federal government like courthouses and prisons and army bases and parks? And should we require the Nation of Texas citizens to give back all the money sent from Washington to repair the damage to their previous state from wildfires and the floods of Katrina? Perhaps future negotiations will deal with these knotty problems. Or not.

  5. Faithful Correspondent is correct in that a large hunk of the economy in Texas is related to federal spending; specifically, military bases and NASA. But in addition to military bases the USA certainly would not want any of our top of the line military hardware to be manufactured and imported from an unstable and hostile foreign country. So Lockheed-Martin and the F-35 program will have to leave Fort Worth as will Bell helicopter from Fort Worth and Amarillo. Raytheon will have to leave and “Texas” Instruments will have to move and change their name or forgo contracts from the foreign US government. Sorry. We don’t want no foreigners making our stuff.

    BTW – have your papers ready should you want to visit the USA, aliens. And don’t even think about trying to use our social services while you’re visiting!

    OK. That’s out of my system now.

    • LOVE IT! Add Dell Computer to that mix – move, or lose all those federal contracts to HP.

      I wonder what they’ll think of all those “entitlements,” “handouts” and “gifts” then.

      Honestly, do these people understand how much of their state’s fiscal well-being comes from Washington?

      • Texas has a superb public health establishment in UTSPH (in several cities), recognized in the field as comparable to Johns Hopkins. It’s state-funded, so we take it. Don’t come knocking on our door when your next plague comes along…

        After every presidential election, no matter who wins, someone organizes a “let’s bash Texas” party. And this in a nation that has not yet managed to ditch Mississippi or Alabama… what can I say. (ahem) A plague on all your houses!

        • FTR, I have no interest whatsoever in secession, and I don’t know anyone personally in Texas who does. And if I were interested, it wouldn’t help your case; I’m pretty sure there’s no constitutionally approved mechanism for leaving the Union. Ain’t gonna happen. Save your wishing for Christmas.

  6. G’bye, red states, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Think of it, we wouldn’t have to send them anything (they wouldn’t get tax revenue, and since they hate them some furrin aid, that’ll be out too), they get to develop their own currency (maybe they can peg it to the Nigerian currency), and of course, the blacks would come swarming back down south to participate in slavery so the red states can make some money (yeah, right).

    The best part? all the red states would make Nigerian, Somalia, the Congo and the rest of Africa look positively rosy by comparison.

  7. They are behaving like spoiled kids. They may not remember that we were not too please with GWB but we sucked it up. This will go nowhere, they just want to have a tantrum. I think they should just go to their room until they calm down.

  8. Just a quick comment on lobotomy’s point…without a vital computer chip made in China we are unable to make our “smart “weapons

  9. Here’s one to revoke Fox News’ broadcast license:

    It isn’t yet above the 150 signature visibility level (yet).

    • A nice thought, but since Fox News is a network, it doesn’t require a license to broadcast. Only TV and radio stations are granted licenses, and that doesn’t apply to cable channels, either.

Comments are closed.