Monday, March 20, 2017
Friday, March 17, 2017
[Scene: My living room. Phone rings. I’m bored so I answer it.]
Scammer: I’m calling from Microsoft Windows to tell you that your computer is infected with malware.
Me: How terrible!
Scammer: Yes sir.
Me: I mean, how could this happen?
Scammer: Well, sir, I’m here to help you repair it. Now, please go to your keyboard…
Me: No, I mean, after all these years, how could people still fall for your bullshit? No wonder they elected Trump.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Monday, January 23, 2017
Q: Did you watch the inauguration?
A: No, I saw Triumph of the Will in high school.
Q: Did you listen to the speech?
A: No, I can’t stand his pimply voice. But I read it.
Q: What did you think of it?
A: To quote the immortal Molly Ivins, it was better in the original German.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
President Obama visits Berlin on his farewell tour.
Minnesota officer faces manslaughter charges in shooting of unarmed black man.
Terrorism possible in deaths of three U.S. soldiers in Jordan.
Thousands have donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s “honor.”
Hillary Clinton speaks up: “Never ever give up.”
Max Scherzer and Rick Porcello — both former Tigers — win Cy Young award.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
Donald Trump has delayed the announcement of his VP pick because of the attack in France, but if it’s Gov. Mike Pence of Indiana, White House press secretary Josh Earnest has high praise for him.
“I know that Governor Pence did do some important work with the administration to expand Medicaid in his state,” Earnest told reporters when asked what Obama thinks of the governor. “That’s something President Obama has been encouraging Democratic and Republican governors across the country to do.”
Nicely done, Josh.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Aw, poor guy.
MADISON, Wis. (AP) — Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker says he’s “thrifty” and is offering T-shirts for craft projects while asking donors to help pay off the $1.2 million debt from his short-lived presidential campaign.
The Republican sent an email to donors Sunday saying, “if there is one thing the American people learned about me during our presidential campaign, it is that I am thrifty.” He cites his use of coupons and shopping at sales racks.
The email doesn’t mention more than $90,000 a day was spent on his 70-day presidential run.
Walker’s email says anyone who donates $45 will receive a campaign T-shirt, but size and color requests won’t be honored because of a lack of resources.
Walker says the shirts can be framed or used for “crafty things” like a pillow or bag.
Or cleaning up cat vomit.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
An Ohio farmer used his fertilizer to grow more than just crops.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Gawker magazine set a trap for Trump.
Is Donald Trump a fascist? Experts, historians, and pundits have debated the question for months. One thing has been certain for a while now: He tweets like one. That’s why, last year, Gawker’s Ashley Feinberg created a Twitter bot that would post quotes from the writings and speeches of the Italian fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, but with all of them attributed to businessman and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. This morning, he retweeted that account.
Twitter is Trump’s preferred social media platform for direct communication with his followers, haters, and—most importantly—the journalists who obsessively cover his carnival-like presidential campaign. It’s where Trump goes to personally insult his enemies and opponents, but it’s also where he seeks evidence of his greatness, and regularly retweets (in his idiosyncratic style, quoting entire tweets rather than using the network’s built-in retweet tool) praise for himself.
When asked about it on Meet The Press, Mr. Trump shrugged it off and said it was an “interesting” quote.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Dispatches from the playground indicate that Donald Trump will not show up at tomorrow night’s debate because Megyn Kelly of Fox News is a meanie and a poopy-head. Nyah.
Fox News, in a rare display of genuine middle-school humor, hit back.
We learned from a secret back channel that the Ayatollah and Putin both intend to treat Donald Trump unfairly when they meet with him if he becomes president — a nefarious source tells us that Trump has his own secret plan to replace the Cabinet with his Twitter followers to see if he should even go to those meetings.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
According to his personal physician, Donald Trump is in such “astonishingly excellent” health that he will be capable of serving as president a full two years after he’s dead.
Don’t take my word for it. Read it yourself: “To Whom My Concern…”
Dr. Bornstein is a gastroenterologist. Given his patient, I would think he would be a proctologist.
Monday, October 12, 2015
This is brilliant.
Students at the University Of Texas at Austin are planning to protest a new law that permits the concealed carry of handguns on campus — with dildos.
The “campus carry” law passed by the Texas legislature and signed by the Governor in June, requires UT Austin and the other campuses in the UT system to allow students to carry guns on campus. It gives the schools some discretion on how to implement the law.
The protest is designed to draw attention to the fact that carrying a dildo to class could be “prohibited expression” under university rules. The rules prohibit “any writing or visual image, or engage in any public performance, that is obscene.”
“You’re carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I’m carrying a HUGE DILDO. Just about as effective at protecting us from sociopathic shooters, but much safer for recreational play,” the organizer, Jessica Jin, wrote.
On Facebook, 1,800 people have registered for the event, which is scheduled for next August when the law goes into effect.
When you get right down to it, it really is all about who’s got the biggest one.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Are we done talking about Denali vs. the Ohio Republican congressional delegation’s hurt feelings yet? Please say “Yes” because this proves that it has gone from silly to just plain surreal.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Here’s an ingenious use of a Sousaphone: harassing the KKK marchers in Charleston last weekend.
And the Wagner quote was inspired.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
In the in-box yesterday… and my terse reply.
Scott Walker says he’ll “work for you.” But not if you’re gay, a woman, an immigrant, or a member of a union. According to Robert Reich, he’s worked actively against you.
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced his candidacy today. I view him as the most dangerous of all GOP hopefuls because he’s relatively young and charismatic, he’s David and Charles Koch’s favorite (which means unlimited funding by the nation’s most right-wing and irresponsible billionaires), and his positions on key issues are among the most extreme in the Republican field.
1. On immigration, Walker says he’s changed his mind on a path to legal status for undocumented immigrants and no longer supports the idea. He’s expressed skepticism toward legal immigration as well.
2. On gay marriage, Walker is calling for a constitutional amendment allowing states to ban it.
3. On abortion rights, Walker is pushing for a 20-week ban in Wisconsin with no exceptions for rape or incest. (In 2014 he told voters his previous legislation left “the final decision to a woman and her doctor.”
4. On “gun rights,” Walker is against any attempt to ban assault weapons or limit the ability of anyone to own a gun.
5. On labor unions, he is the GOP’s most virulent anti-labor candidate, having taken on teachers and other public employees and signing a “right-to-work” law. (He says his battles with labor leaders have prepared him to take on the Islamic State.)
6. He favors tax cuts over deficit reduction and public education. His most recent Wisconsin budget cuts taxes, requires steep cuts to education, and deepens the state deficit.
7. He has tried to weaken Wisconsin’s “open records” law by blocking press requests that have yielded some embarrassing finds in the past. (Consider how big an issue Republicans are making out of Hillary Clinton’s record on transparency.)
Yeah, figure it out.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating first lady.”
“Well, I’ve got a sister. She could play that role if necessary,” the 59-year-old South Carolinian presidential hopeful told the Daily Mail Online in an interview published Tuesday. “I’ve got a lot of friends. We’ll have a rotating first lady,” he added.
Too bad it will never happen… it would be fun to see his fantasy lady.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Rather than address the problem of immigration reform and border security, Rep. Steve King (R-IA) would rather override the Constitution and redefine citizenship.
The Civil War era’s 14th Amendment, granting automatic citizenship to any baby born on American soil, is a proud achievement of the Party of Lincoln.
But now House Republicans are talking about abolishing birthright citizenship.
A House Judiciary subcommittee took up the question Wednesday afternoon, prompted by legislation sponsored by Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) and 22 other lawmakers that, after nearly 150 years, would end automatic citizenship.
The 14th Amendment, King told the panel, “did not contemplate that anyone who would sneak into the United States and have a baby would have automatic citizenship conferred on them.” Added King, “I’d suggest it’s our job here in this Congress to decide who will be citizens, not someone in a foreign country that can sneak into the United States and have a baby and then go home with the birth certificate.”
Mr. King might want to get in touch with Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA) and ask him for some input. The governor — who’s jonesing to run for president — was born in Baton Rouge six months after his parents arrived from India.
I actually think another bill being proposed by Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) is much more appropriate:
Polis’ office issued a press release on Friday announcing the Restrain Steve King from Legislating Act, playing off King’s Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act. Polis’ fake bill would prevent King from “abusing taxpayer dollars by substituting the judgments of the nation’s duly serving judicial branch of government with his own beliefs,” according to the release.
That would get my vote.