Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Borg Eviction Notice

I got an interesting piece of spam yesterday, apparently from the Borg:

Notice of eviction,

Please be advised that your current dwelling has been condemned.

The eviction proceedings are already in process. You are hereby ordered to vacate the premises no later than 03/21/2014 or face forcible removal. Any attempt to resist is futile.

Contact our office without delay to make proper arrangements for a move out.

We want to hope for you cooperation.

Our contact details and judicial statement are enclosed to this notice.

Real estate agency,

Ruth Tailor

There were no contact details or judicial statement enclosed.  But I googled Ruth Tailor

Seven_of_nineI will be assimilated.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Nice Try, Tootsie

From the in-box today:

Possible replies include:

“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me… aren’t you?”

“I’m walkin’ here!”

“Oh I know what y’all really want is some gross, caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that.”

“I’m an excellent driver.”

Readers?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Spam Delight

I’ve been having a little trouble with my e-mail service — nothing we can’t handle — but it’s also led to some interesting spam getting through.  Here’s one piece in its entirety under the subject line of “buuyy VjaqrRa sSupEer Acctivve – otherwise you’ll have impoettence”:

I was ill.

Not even neighbors.

Spring time – dating time! Don’t forget Viagra! Best prices ever at our drugstore!

We dont speak.

Family devotion only goes so far for most people on reaping day.

The e-mail originated in the Netherlands.  Those Dutch can be so dramatic.

And then there was a notification from PayPal that contained my receipt for a payment of $149.49 to “anders gezelius.”  The e-mail came “napkint772 @ animaldildo.com”.  Animaldildo.com, Gracie?  Seriously?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Irony Deficient

From one of my constant spammers, who is either irony deprived or very clever:

Hi, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just wondering if you get a lot of spam responses? If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can advise? I get so much lately it’s driving me crazy so any support is very much appreciated.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Spam Irony

From the spam filter:

Do you have a spam problem on this site; I also am a blogger, and I was wondering your situation; we have developed some nice procedures and we are looking to exchange strategies with others, be sure to shoot me an email if interested.

The concerned blogger was from “North Face Womens 3 In 1.”

Thursday, November 1, 2012

From The Spam Filter

I have no idea what they’re selling, but I sure hope it’s not Spell Check.

surely like your web-site however, you need to check the punctuational on several of your discussions. Several of choices rife with spelling issues and I in discovering it rather bothersome to find out the truth however I will surely happen again once.

Yeah, got it.

Monday, August 6, 2012

From the BBWW Mailbag

Going through the e-mails that accumulated while I was out of the country, I find an appeal from the Almighty:

Dear Media:

Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and seeking a special Press relationship. Here is all you have to do on behalf of your company, community or nation. Send an email to god @llah.mobi (no spaces) or SMS/VM 707-925-2488 and say something to the effect of “On behalf of, (your company, community, or nation) We want to welcome you, God Allah.” Be sure to include your email, SMS text number (if you have one), name and phone number. Then I will contact you back via email with more information about how to receive God Allah to your company, community, or nation. If you want to learn more of God Allah (or God the Father, Christianity) see a church or mosque near you for more information on how to interact with and receive God Allah. Please be advised this is a very, serious emergency for many people around the world so you were advised to communicate with Me immediately. Thanks.

Emergency Message,

God Allah
Author, Holy Qur’an / Bible
Lord of the Worlds

So, if God Allah is the almighty Lord of the Worlds, why does he need a press agent?

Actually, with Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Bryan Fischer, and all the other ministers of hate and homophobia running around shooting off their mouths, I can understand God Allah’s plight. Good luck, fella.

PS: There is no truth to the rumor that Peter Jackson has been signed to direct a big-screen version of Lord of the Worlds. I think they’re going with Steven Soderbergh.

From the BBWW Mailbag

Going through the e-mails that accumulated while I was out of the country, I find an appeal from the Almighty:

Dear Media:

Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and seeking a special Press relationship. Here is all you have to do on behalf of your company, community or nation. Send an email to god @llah.mobi (no spaces) or SMS/VM 707-925-2488 and say something to the effect of “On behalf of, (your company, community, or nation) We want to welcome you, God Allah.” Be sure to include your email, SMS text number (if you have one), name and phone number. Then I will contact you back via email with more information about how to receive God Allah to your company, community, or nation. If you want to learn more of God Allah (or God the Father, Christianity) see a church or mosque near you for more information on how to interact with and receive God Allah. Please be advised this is a very, serious emergency for many people around the world so you were advised to communicate with Me immediately. Thanks.

Emergency Message,

God Allah
Author, Holy Qur’an / Bible
Lord of the Worlds

So, if God Allah is the almighty Lord of the Worlds, why does he need a press agent?

Actually, with Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Bryan Fischer, and all the other ministers of hate and homophobia running around shooting off their mouths, I can understand God Allah’s plight. Good luck, fella.

PS: There is no truth to the rumor that Peter Jackson has been signed to direct a big-screen version of Lord of the Worlds. I think they’re going with Steven Soderbergh.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Anything You Say

I got an e-mail from “Mr. Woody Allen” with the subject line “Please Quote.”

As you wish:

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

Anything You Say

I got an e-mail from “Mr. Woody Allen” with the subject line “Please Quote.”

As you wish:

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

Friday, May 20, 2011

Spam Study

They’ve found a way to stop spam.

The researchers looked at nearly a billion messages and spent several thousand dollars on about 120 purchases. No single purchase was more than $277.

If a handful of companies like these refused to authorize online credit card payments to the merchants, “you’d cut off the money that supports the entire spam enterprise,” said one of the scientists, Stefan Savage of the University of California, San Diego, who worked with colleagues at San Diego and Berkeley and at the International Computer Science Institute.

Visa, the largest credit card company, declined to comment. But Steve Kirsch, chief executive of Abaca Technology, an antispam company based in San Jose, Calif., said the findings held the potential for “a very powerful deterrent” to spammers.

“If the credit card companies wanted to shut down the spammers, we can easily aid them in rapidly and unambiguously identifying the merchant accounts used by spammers,” he said.

I wonder if that will work with my new girlfriend from Russia.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Word Salad

It’s been a long time since I got spam of a poetic nature:

I will buy myself these now, and they shall sit here to inspire me to buy the real stuff in the future.

It’s not Keats, but it’s slightly romantic.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

We’ll Be Greeted as Pigeons

From the e-mail junk mail box:

Hello my friend,

I am Mohammad Hazim an oil merchant in IRAQI, I would need you to help me out from an urgent situation, which the almighty Allah will bless you as you listen to my cry to respond back to me immediately so I can give you details on how you can help me out. I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you.

Please I would appreciate to receive your urgent response at the below email.

Email: mohammadhaziim @ yahoo.com.hk

May the almighty Allah be with you

Regards,
Mohammad Hazim.

I guess things are getting better in Iraq if the spam-scammers think they can sucker in people with the old Nigerian 419 ploy but doing it from Iraq. (One small problem: Mohammad’s e-mail address is based in Hong Kong.)

I guess this con must be working or the vultures would have moved on to something else, but I can’t imagine that anyone is truly that gullible — or greedy — to fall for it. But I guess there’s one born every minute.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Word Salad for Today

The continuing saga of spam mail intent on teaching me to make women happy. Today’s message is made up of lines cut from 300:

On the assumption known to be stoic, omnia deum bhagiratha
of great fame, who, through the grace about i’m beginning
to think you’d be better off came to witness the battle,
on their foremost the pinnacle of knowledge, and discriminating.

Or was it Meet the Spartans?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Word Salad for Today

Oh, joy, oh rapture; my spam filter caught another poet:

Otherwise called hari, (entering his body) bestowed thus
summoned by the preceptor’s son from desire and the son
of kunti mildly struck kripa with folly, they afflicted
the denizens of heaven. Think i did it? God knows who did
it. God knows.

You would think that if they’re selling boner pills, they’d go with “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Word Salad for Today

An on-going series, it would seem, from my dutiful spammers. Today we get political action committees with a touch of le français.

Been sore on them. The bristling waves of the of here should
be renounced by a good 571. The ou faueurs de seigneurs,
comme aussi ne se doit were made in congress once more to
galvanize it my sight. I was looking upon an extensive plain,.

…and they leave us hanging. Quelle domage.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Word Salad for Today

Following up on yesterday’s adventure down the rabbit hole of spam poetry, here is today’s entry: e e cummings meets the Kama Sutra.

Give woman the first thing she expects from you – the unforggetable pleasure

Before by his master, and who now, after one or with all
his counsellors.(it was thus that i addressed on our door,
executing a small wardance in the again that the royal sage
sudyumna, only by wielding like his sire, for, behold, disregarding
the prosperity.

I can’t wait until Ogden Nash meets Gertrude Stein.

This one came to my work e-mail, so it follows me like the wielding sire of hibiscus sent.

HT to Shaker Arkades for the title.