Sunday, October 30, 2016

Did Somebody Say Schnorrer?

E-mail from a singles site I occasionally look in on:

Hello,
I’m Sgt. Robert Gradzik,I am with the US Army in the NATO Special Training Mission–Afghanistan, which delivers training and professional development support to the national security forces of Republic of Benin.My tour will be ending pretty soon and I think It’s time that I begin to search for a soul mate, a confidant and a friend. I’m not into the one night stand or nude picture thing.Your profile seemed to catch my attention and I’d love to know you better.Please send all corresponding replies exclusively to my email: [redacted] as I will be taking my profile down pretty soon due to a lot of indecent proposals on this site.

Hope to hear from you.
Robert…

Who can resist that?  (For one thing, if you’re in Afghanistan and you’re training the “national security forces of the Republic of Benin, you have a lot to learn about geography).

My reply:

I am Captain Spaulding, the African explorer.

Hello, I must be going.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Once A Marxist

In the spam filter last night: “Hello, I’m Sgt. Frank Pickle, I am with the US Army in the NATO Special Training Mission–Afghanistan, which delivers training and professional development support to the national security forces of Republic of Benin.  My tour will be ending pretty soon and I think It’s time that I begin to search for a soul mate, a confidant and a friend.”

My reply: “And I am Captain Spaulding, the African explorer.”

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

One Born Every Minute

I have three different e-mail accounts.  Lately all of them have been inundated with marvelous news about my free $50 gift certificates from Walmart, Walgreens, Southwest Airlines, Macy’s, Home Depot, Amazon, Microsoft, and various other well-known outfits.

They follow the security alerts that are addressed to “Valuable Customer” from banks such as Wells Fargo, Chase, TD, and Pay Pal.  Same thing but more urgent: my account/debit card has been blocked because of too many attempts to access my account.

Then there’s the miraculous fat-burning boner pill from Dr. Oz.

All I have to do is click on the link and, fill in my account information, and I’ll get my $50, my account will be unblocked, and I’ll lose weight and get laid at the same time.

I guess the Nigerian bankers and widows have a new gig.

Anyone who falls for this shit deserves to get ripped off.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Curiosity Shop

Here’s a spam e-mail that I got today:

Hello
Am Donald Bren from D&B Sons Ltd with regards to your company ,I would  like to order 250 Pices of 30 x 30  Glass and below is the specifications….

Order:Flat Glass
1/4″Thickness
Sizes:30″x 30″
QTY:250 Pieces

kindly email me with a total the picked up price for this sizes and please if you don’t have this size or type available kindly email me with similar types and sizes that you have available..Also please let me know the method of payment you do accept in your company Master Card, Visa Card ,Amex etc.,I will be waiting for your kind response so we can proceed.

Best Regards
Donald Bren
D&B Sons Ltd .

So either Mr. Bren is confused to the point of bewilderment, or it’s some kind of phishing scam after my e-mail address with the hope of using it to send out spam for boner pills and the like.  A couple of weeks ago someone phished my e-mail name and sent out crap to the point that I couldn’t use the address and had to change the password.

Has anyone else gotten this kind of e-mail, and does anyone know what the real motive is?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Borg Eviction Notice

I got an interesting piece of spam yesterday, apparently from the Borg:

Notice of eviction,

Please be advised that your current dwelling has been condemned.

The eviction proceedings are already in process. You are hereby ordered to vacate the premises no later than 03/21/2014 or face forcible removal. Any attempt to resist is futile.

Contact our office without delay to make proper arrangements for a move out.

We want to hope for you cooperation.

Our contact details and judicial statement are enclosed to this notice.

Real estate agency,

Ruth Tailor

There were no contact details or judicial statement enclosed.  But I googled Ruth Tailor

Seven_of_nineI will be assimilated.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Nice Try, Tootsie

From the in-box today:

Possible replies include:

“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me… aren’t you?”

“I’m walkin’ here!”

“Oh I know what y’all really want is some gross, caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that.”

“I’m an excellent driver.”

Readers?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Spam Delight

I’ve been having a little trouble with my e-mail service — nothing we can’t handle — but it’s also led to some interesting spam getting through.  Here’s one piece in its entirety under the subject line of “buuyy VjaqrRa sSupEer Acctivve – otherwise you’ll have impoettence”:

I was ill.

Not even neighbors.

Spring time – dating time! Don’t forget Viagra! Best prices ever at our drugstore!

We dont speak.

Family devotion only goes so far for most people on reaping day.

The e-mail originated in the Netherlands.  Those Dutch can be so dramatic.

And then there was a notification from PayPal that contained my receipt for a payment of $149.49 to “anders gezelius.”  The e-mail came “napkint772 @ animaldildo.com”.  Animaldildo.com, Gracie?  Seriously?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Thursday, November 1, 2012

From The Spam Filter

I have no idea what they’re selling, but I sure hope it’s not Spell Check.

surely like your web-site however, you need to check the punctuational on several of your discussions. Several of choices rife with spelling issues and I in discovering it rather bothersome to find out the truth however I will surely happen again once.

Yeah, got it.

Monday, August 6, 2012

From the BBWW Mailbag

Going through the e-mails that accumulated while I was out of the country, I find an appeal from the Almighty:

Dear Media:

Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and seeking a special Press relationship. Here is all you have to do on behalf of your company, community or nation. Send an email to god @llah.mobi (no spaces) or SMS/VM 707-925-2488 and say something to the effect of “On behalf of, (your company, community, or nation) We want to welcome you, God Allah.” Be sure to include your email, SMS text number (if you have one), name and phone number. Then I will contact you back via email with more information about how to receive God Allah to your company, community, or nation. If you want to learn more of God Allah (or God the Father, Christianity) see a church or mosque near you for more information on how to interact with and receive God Allah. Please be advised this is a very, serious emergency for many people around the world so you were advised to communicate with Me immediately. Thanks.

Emergency Message,

God Allah
Author, Holy Qur’an / Bible
Lord of the Worlds

So, if God Allah is the almighty Lord of the Worlds, why does he need a press agent?

Actually, with Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Bryan Fischer, and all the other ministers of hate and homophobia running around shooting off their mouths, I can understand God Allah’s plight. Good luck, fella.

PS: There is no truth to the rumor that Peter Jackson has been signed to direct a big-screen version of Lord of the Worlds. I think they’re going with Steven Soderbergh.

From the BBWW Mailbag

Going through the e-mails that accumulated while I was out of the country, I find an appeal from the Almighty:

Dear Media:

Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and seeking a special Press relationship. Here is all you have to do on behalf of your company, community or nation. Send an email to god @llah.mobi (no spaces) or SMS/VM 707-925-2488 and say something to the effect of “On behalf of, (your company, community, or nation) We want to welcome you, God Allah.” Be sure to include your email, SMS text number (if you have one), name and phone number. Then I will contact you back via email with more information about how to receive God Allah to your company, community, or nation. If you want to learn more of God Allah (or God the Father, Christianity) see a church or mosque near you for more information on how to interact with and receive God Allah. Please be advised this is a very, serious emergency for many people around the world so you were advised to communicate with Me immediately. Thanks.

Emergency Message,

God Allah
Author, Holy Qur’an / Bible
Lord of the Worlds

So, if God Allah is the almighty Lord of the Worlds, why does he need a press agent?

Actually, with Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Bryan Fischer, and all the other ministers of hate and homophobia running around shooting off their mouths, I can understand God Allah’s plight. Good luck, fella.

PS: There is no truth to the rumor that Peter Jackson has been signed to direct a big-screen version of Lord of the Worlds. I think they’re going with Steven Soderbergh.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Friday, May 20, 2011

Spam Study

They’ve found a way to stop spam.

The researchers looked at nearly a billion messages and spent several thousand dollars on about 120 purchases. No single purchase was more than $277.

If a handful of companies like these refused to authorize online credit card payments to the merchants, “you’d cut off the money that supports the entire spam enterprise,” said one of the scientists, Stefan Savage of the University of California, San Diego, who worked with colleagues at San Diego and Berkeley and at the International Computer Science Institute.

Visa, the largest credit card company, declined to comment. But Steve Kirsch, chief executive of Abaca Technology, an antispam company based in San Jose, Calif., said the findings held the potential for “a very powerful deterrent” to spammers.

“If the credit card companies wanted to shut down the spammers, we can easily aid them in rapidly and unambiguously identifying the merchant accounts used by spammers,” he said.

I wonder if that will work with my new girlfriend from Russia.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Thursday, March 26, 2009

We’ll Be Greeted as Pigeons

From the e-mail junk mail box:

Hello my friend,

I am Mohammad Hazim an oil merchant in IRAQI, I would need you to help me out from an urgent situation, which the almighty Allah will bless you as you listen to my cry to respond back to me immediately so I can give you details on how you can help me out. I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you.

Please I would appreciate to receive your urgent response at the below email.

Email: mohammadhaziim @ yahoo.com.hk

May the almighty Allah be with you

Regards,
Mohammad Hazim.

I guess things are getting better in Iraq if the spam-scammers think they can sucker in people with the old Nigerian 419 ploy but doing it from Iraq. (One small problem: Mohammad’s e-mail address is based in Hong Kong.)

I guess this con must be working or the vultures would have moved on to something else, but I can’t imagine that anyone is truly that gullible — or greedy — to fall for it. But I guess there’s one born every minute.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Word Salad for Today

The continuing saga of spam mail intent on teaching me to make women happy. Today’s message is made up of lines cut from 300:

On the assumption known to be stoic, omnia deum bhagiratha
of great fame, who, through the grace about i’m beginning
to think you’d be better off came to witness the battle,
on their foremost the pinnacle of knowledge, and discriminating.

Or was it Meet the Spartans?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Word Salad for Today

Oh, joy, oh rapture; my spam filter caught another poet:

Otherwise called hari, (entering his body) bestowed thus
summoned by the preceptor’s son from desire and the son
of kunti mildly struck kripa with folly, they afflicted
the denizens of heaven. Think i did it? God knows who did
it. God knows.

You would think that if they’re selling boner pills, they’d go with “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Word Salad for Today

An on-going series, it would seem, from my dutiful spammers. Today we get political action committees with a touch of le français.

Been sore on them. The bristling waves of the of here should
be renounced by a good 571. The ou faueurs de seigneurs,
comme aussi ne se doit were made in congress once more to
galvanize it my sight. I was looking upon an extensive plain,.

…and they leave us hanging. Quelle domage.