Saturday, December 13, 2003


A friend writes:

I’m having my weekly manicure (yes, I’ve fallen that far), and my manicurist is a beauty of about 28, divorced with joint custody of a 5-year-old son. She’s socially a busy bee and is actively looking for a replacement for the man she married against her better judgement when she was too young. They’ve been divorced about three years, I’d guess. When I first began this weekly routine, she told me about her broken heart – her live-in-passionate-forever-love had given her the bye-bye probably because she was starting to talk about having a baby.

So picture me sitting at the little manicure table, light shining down on two heads bent over my hands – one dark brown with a stylish cut, the other curly gray and short. She has told me details about her most recent dating adventures – each week it’s another: one who’s rich enough to bet her $500 to take a bite of caviar (rejected); one who’s sexy but a determined bachelor; one who’s a friend of the guy who ditched her but really great looking; one who’s a friend of her boss; one who’s turned out dull after all but available. Last Thursday she starts in with the new prospect, a karate trainer working in a local gym; wonderful looking and – a born-again Christian. “Shit,” says I. So she tells me that she picked him up where he works in a storefront, and they went for Mexican at a new local place. He doesn’t drink or smoke or use swear words, but she had her usual margarita and no dinner because she’d eaten something at work (I think she’s trying to get to the size of a model she’s so thin already).

After “dinner,” she and whats-his-name return to his parked car, and before he gets out of her car he starts in on the proselytizing. They sit for two hours in the car while he explains evolution – “no one has ever proved it,” etc. etc. She says to me, “He made some very good points…” And it was then that I lost it. I don’t need to tell you how I explained to her that that was bullshit and that the Bible was nothing but a collection of myths, and that people like that guy are “my enemy,” and that for God’s sake, OF COURSE EVOLUTION IS A FACT, long-accepted by all the reputable scientists on earth – “I wish you’d take a look at a fossil or the remains of humans who walked the earth 500,00 years ago in Africa long before the so-called Creation” – and on and on and blah blah bloo.

“Well, he did make some good points,” she says, “But let me tell you the funny part.”

Pause while I stop for breath. “What?”

“All the time he was talking during those two hours, I was thinking about how I’d like to sit on his bone.”

“Thank God!” says I. “What a relief.”

My correspondent concludes, “I got a million of ’em.” I’ll keep you posted.