Tuesday, March 23, 2004

A Challenge To Readers

This little list was forwarded to me by a friend who got it from his brother, a dyed-in-the-polyester Republican. I need your help in crafting some cogent and witty responses.

How To Be A Good Democrat

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies driving SUV’s.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion-on-demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who’ve never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to understand that it is okay to change your mind on any issue as long as you believe it will get you elected.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex-offender belong in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

Come on, you know you want to let fly. So here’s your chance!