Thursday, April 1, 2004

Now We Know Where the Darwin Awards Come From

I am sure that this e-mail has been bouncing around for a while, but I thought what the heck, it’s April Fool’s Day (italicized comments in the original):

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

  • On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (Damn, and that’s the only time I have to do my hair.)
  • On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (The shoplifter special?)
  • On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how???….)
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But, it’s just a suggestion.)
  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (Well…duh, a bit late, eh?)
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought…?)
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t that save me more time?)
  • On Boot’s Childrens Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts.)
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because…?)
  • On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to where?)
  • On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (Now, somebody out there, help me on this.)
  • On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash.)
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
  • On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God! Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
  • And these are directed at the people in whom we trust the election of the next president. Holy Ned.