Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Choppers and Limos and Vans, Oh My

The latest terror alert warned that the evil-doers might employ helicopters, limousines, and mini-vans to deliver their WMD’s. ABC News’s Josh Berman even got to ride in a helicopter on last night’s broadcast to illustrate just how easy it could be for terrorists to plot out traffic patterns or drop chemical weapons into the air-handling units of buildings. Limos could be used because they have tinted windows and are usually accorded courtesy because they are “classy.” Mini-vans are the carbomb of choice in Baghdad, so they might become handy here.

All of this new information came off a cache of computer disks seized in a raid in Pakistan. It occurs to me maybe there are a couple of stoners over in Pakistan – their version of the guys in Weird Science – who are coming up with ways to fake out DHS:

“Okay…how about…a ’67 Skylark loaded with chicken shit…”

“Nah, they’ll never fall for that.”

“Well…Oh! Oh! I got it! We load up a helicopter with this gnarly biochemical stuff and drop it down their chimney!”

“How about we dress up like Britney Spears and ride in a limo down Fifth Avenue and throw cherry bombs at the cops?”

“Are you getting all of this down?”

“Where’s the bong, man?”

I suppose there’s some sense in looking for non-traditional means of delivering terror, but the assumption is that the people who are responsible for looking out for terrorists have probably come to the same conclusion Mayor Bloomberg did: No one gets on a helicopter in New York without going through the same inspection you get on an airplane. Duh. There are certain levels of competence we should expect, right? And if a security guard is too stupid to not take a good look at a limo just because it’s classy, then we’ve got more of a problem than just knowing to look under the chassis of a stretch Lincoln.