Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Your Generic SOTU

Enter the House of Representatives. Shake hands with everybody you see. Get to podium. Shake hands with Vice President Cheney and Speaker Hastert. Check that earpiece is working. Look at TelePrompTer.

“My fellow Americans… “

  • Opening line: “The state of the union is strong.” (My poll numbers suck out loud. Insert generic bipartisan platitude #1 here and ad-libbed joke.)
  • Iraq: “Stay the course.” (Keep flailing; we’re bound to hit something.)
  • Terrorism: “9/11!” (Nothing else seems to work and I’m not sorry for breaking the law. Bite me. Wait for standing ovation #1 by Republicans.)
  • Hurricane Katrina: “There’s still much to do.” (What, the refugees are still in Texas?)
  • The economy: “Cut more taxes.” (Exxon Mobil wants to make even more money this year than last year. Wait for standing ovation #2.)
  • Energy policy: (See above.)
  • Health care: “Cut costs by shifting it to private providers.” (Poor people don’t need health care; that’s what ER’s are for.)
  • Social Security: (Quick, turn the page.)
  • Education: “Build on the success of NCLB” (Stick the states with another bunch of unfunded mandates and insert generic bipartisan platitude #2 here.)
  • Immigration: “We need a measured approach.” (Let in just enough illegals to pick the tomatoes and clean the hotel rooms but not enough to make up a voting bloc.)
  • Gay rights / lobbying reform / the deficit / CIA leak case: [crickets]
  • Gallery shot: “Ordinary citizens are the lifeblood of our nation.” (Salute the wounded female soldier who is sitting next to Mrs. Bush and who isn’t running for Congress as a Democrat. Point out newly-confirmed Justice Alito’s wife who will cry on cue. Standing ovation #3. Wink at Laura.)
  • Wrap-up: (Insert generic platiutude #3, follow up with veiled biblical reference that James Dobson faxed in, briefly re-state Karl Rove’s campaign call to arms for the 2006 campaign but without all traitor references.)
  • “God bless America.”

    Wait for standing ovation #4. Smirk. Shake hands with VP and Speaker. Exit quickly so that Cokie Roberts, Ed Henry, Bill Schneider, David Gergen, and Kate O’Bierne can recover from their orgasms on the air. That ought to hold the little bastards until March at least.