Monday, November 12, 2007

What Pat Robertson Was Going To Say About Rudy

Carl Hiaasen of the Miami Herald has found the first draft of Pat Robertson’s endorsement of Rudy Giuliani for president:

Good morning, fellow Christians. I am honored to stand here before you, under the somewhat disbelieving eyes of God, and announce my support for Rudolph W. Giuliani for the presidency of the United States.

I’m not going to pretend that Rudy is the dream candidate for Christians with a conservative social agenda. Not only has he been married three times (to three different women!), he’s been a supporter of abortion rights and gay marriages.

So, yes, Rudy’s basically the anti-Christ. But, hey, if he can beat Hillary, who cares?

I admire what my Jewish friends call chutzpah, and it took plenty of that for Rudy to come seeking my endorsement. If you recall (as too many people do), I joined Jerry Falwell in blaming the 9/11 terrorist attacks on America’s permissive attitude toward homosexuals, feminism and prime-time television, among other biblical evils.

It wasn’t the first loony thing I’ve ever said, and it won’t be the last.

Of course, Rudy was mayor of New York on the day that God allowed the pagan hijackers to crash those jetliners into the World Trade Centers, so one might have expected him to hold a grudge because of my callous remarks.

Not Rudy. He couldn’t have been nicer.

Some people would call that shameless groveling, but I call it old-fashioned respect. I might be a reactionary old windbag, but I’ve still got my own TV network — and Rudy knows better than to tick me off.

Back in the good old days, when I was at the peak of my faith-healing powers, amazing miracles happened every Sunday in church. Why, I cured everything from hemorrhoids to cancer!

In a way, my endorsement of Rudy is a miracle, too.

For both of us, it’s a partnership of faith and courage. By supporting a candidate with such disgustingly tolerant social views, I’m risking the scorn of my fellow right-wing tele-evangelicals.


The fact that any serious candidate for the White House would court my support, after all the nutty and reckless stuff I’ve said, proves that the Lord truly has a sense of humor. For what else could this be if not divine intervention?

My new best friend Rudy is thrilled to be endorsed by me, and I am likewise thrilled to be taken even semi-seriously.