WASHINGTON—Calling it an unprecedented finding that fundamentally reshapes how humankind views its place in the universe, astronomers from NASA announced Wednesday the discovery of a planet that makes Earth look like absolute shit.
The space agency’s researchers told the media that the recently identified planet, HD 904790 b, wipes the floor with Earth in every possible way, pointing to the celestial body’s larger size, unblemished terrestrial surface, diverse and verdant landforms, and abundance of natural resources, all of which indicate that Earth is a festering pile of garbage in comparison.
“This is a thrilling and scientifically vital discovery that has substantially furthered our understanding of how much Earth truly sucks,” said lead researcher Lisa Shapiro, emphasizing that Earth appears to be “straight-up dogshit” when contrasted with HD 904790 b’s exceptional terrain and climate. “Just taking into account this new planet’s flawless spherical shape, not to mention its pristine atmosphere free of methane and other toxic gases, reveals that our home world is pretty fucking pathetic when it comes down to it.”
“HD 904790 b has an extensive ring system that dwarfs Saturn’s, zero tectonic plate activity, and more fresh water in just one of its massive, unpolluted oceans than we have on our entire worthless shitstain of a planet,” she continued. “God, it makes me angry just to think of how much nicer it is there.”
Can we go there now? Please?