Wednesday, April 1, 2015

ISIS Money Trail

While the U.S. and Iran try to work out a deal on nuclear weapons, their common enemy ISIS is building up its war chest.

Islamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.

“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammad. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”

ISIS had been seeking the large amount of money to help acquire more users. “Our user acquisition cost is very high. We gotta move them from Europe to the middle east, undetected, and with modest comfort,” said Muhammad. “Not only do we need to acquire new users but we need to satisfy our current base. These millennials want all sorts of things.”

Social media has been crucial to the growth of ISIS and will continue to grow it’s social media arm with some of the funds.

Academi CEO Erik Prince told the London Financial Times, “It just made sense for us. The middle east is the war that keeps on giving. They grow, we can grow. Our Ten year projection is outstanding for our investors.”

The $15.6 billion raise values ISIS at $80 billion, roughly twice of car sharing service Uber.

So how long before they come up with an IPO?

6 barks and woofs on “ISIS Money Trail

  1. So when did ISIS become a competitor of Uber?

    This is pretty funny stuff, keep up the good work!

    I’ve begun to notice as I surf political blogs that the same nyms that I am familiar with from B-J are commenting on lots of other blogs, which is pretty interesting. Maybe we could build a site that links all those comments on different sites into a network of some kind? like, maybe… a web? or something…

    • He had ties to Saddam, too. That’s why “we” tried to take over Iraq, to get its oil. And those who want to bomb bomb bomb Iran have like interests. It all comes around again.

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