This Takes the Cake — Frank Lesser in The New Yorker.
In light of several recent wedding-cake-based controversies, we at In God We Crust Bakeshop would like to clarify our position—strictly missionary. But, joking aside, here is a list of all the cakes we will and will not bake.
We will bake a cake for your gay wedding, but only if you call it a “friendship party” and pretend the multi-tiered confection is celebrating a long-lasting, same-gendered friendship. As far as we’re concerned, the two male figurines are wearing tuxedos because they’re waiting for their female prom dates, or because they are in the audience of an awards ceremony (NOT THE TONYS). Two women in wedding dresses are simply having a fun “wedding party,” where they dress up and imagine what their strong, rugged, male husbands will look like.
If you would like to purchase a cake for your actual gay wedding, we may be able to work out a compromise. If you are homosexual men, find a lesbian couple who are about to be married, and we will make two cakes for the four of you, with a bride-and-groom figurine atop each cake. You may, UPON POINT OF SALE AND NOT BEFOREHAND, cut the cakes in half and reassemble them.
We will obviously bake a cake for your heterosexual wedding, but only if you prove that you’re straight by performing a sexually explicit act in the back room of the bakery.
Furthermore, please be aware that, when it comes to our straight wedding cakes, we make them very straight, so inform us if anyone under eighteen will be attending the wedding so that we can cover the nipples with fondant pasties. Also, please specify whether you wish your cake’s pubic hair to be made of butter cream or marzipan.
If the bride is not a virgin on her wedding night, we will still make a cake for the couple, but it will be made of batter left over from other more virtuous cakes.
We are totally cool with interracial marriages, but we draw the line at mixing vanilla and chocolate cake. Also, we will be watching one of you very carefully in the store.
If you are transgender, we will bake you a pie and you’ll have to do the rest of the work yourself.
No wedding cake if we think one of you looks gross. Traditional marriage should be between a ten and a ten, not a three and a seven.
If you get divorced, you must bake us a cake.
Doonesbury — Travel Notes.