Monday, February 12, 2024

Down, Boy

Not All Men (Are Golden Retrievers) — Humor from The New Yorker’s Rohita Kadambi.

“Golden Retriever Men” have been hailed as the generation’s new heartthrobs, beloved by young, social media-addicted singletons. On TikTok, videos with the hashtags “#goldenretrievermen” and “#goldenretrieverboys” have collectively clocked up tens of millions of views . . . But what is a Golden Retriever Man? It doesn’t refer to the owners of the dogs, but to the men who actually possess the same qualities as the canine. —New York Post

We at the American Kennel Club implore the public to end the golden-retriever-boyfriend discourse. There are a hundred and ninety A.K.C.-recognized dog breeds, and not every man is a golden retriever. Travis Kelce, for instance, is not a golden retriever. Golden retrievers can sniff out low blood sugar and detect cancer. They essentially graduated from canine medical school. Travis Kelce is a mastiff. Mastiffs are physically intimidating, cuddly, and not exactly super smart. That’s fine. He’s still a multimillionaire who is dating Taylor Swift. Who needs med school?

Let’s take a look at some other celebrity examples of #notgoldenretrievermen:

Tom Holland: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
Both are affable and friendly, with adorable little faces. Both can also fit in a purse, ideally a Birkin bag, and are the perfect accessory for a super-stylish woman (Zendaya).

Ryan Reynolds: German Shorthaired Pointer
Pointers have a niche talent—they make fantastic hunting dogs but aren’t super versatile when it comes to other skills. Reynolds, similarly, is very good at one thing (branding). And, aw, he looks cute doing it!

Ryan Gosling: Australian Shepherd
These dogs are known for their beauty and uncanny ability to remember specific commands. Gosling started his career as a child actor (puppy) on “The Mickey Mouse Club,” and retained early singing and dancing skills (tricks) for use in “La La Land” and “Barbie.”

Jeremy Strong: Standard Poodle
The dude is an intellectual. If any dog is going to use the word “dramaturgically” correctly in a sentence, it’s a standard poodle. Strong, like a poodle, can come across as aloof and fancy, but he’s so good at what he does that you don’t really care.

The Rock: Also a Mastiff
See: Travis Kelce.

Andrew Garfield: English Springer Spaniel
Much as how a springer spaniel can be either a ferocious hunting dog or a goofy family pet, Andrew Garfield can be Spider-Man or Biff Loman. Highly trainable, photogenic, charismatic.

Pedro Pascal: Pitbull
Can come across as a terrifyingly muscular action hero, but is, at heart, the pet of a peaceful queer woman (Sarah Paulson) who likes to dress him in designer knitwear.

Oscar Isaac: Corgi
A charismatic short king who is a favorite among millennials who make their “Star Wars” fandom (and love of Ewok-esque creatures) a personality trait.

Jon Hamm: Boxer
Handsome and rugged at first glance, but actually just a goofball who takes direction best from strong women like Tina Fey.

James Marsden: Siberian Husky
Has killer blue eyes, and just wants to dance around and make a lot of noise (until Tina Fey intervenes).

Michael B. Jordan: Belgian Malinois
The Belgian Malinois, like Jordan, is undaunted by the task of doing his own highly athletic stunts if the role requires it.

Tom Cruise: Jack Russell Terrier
Will also do his own stunts, but in a totally different size category. Will become intensely loyal to problematic figures if there are treats involved.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Beagle
Beagles make for some of the cutest puppies, kind of like late-nineties DiCaprio. They also keep their youthful puppy energy for a long time. But, as beagles age, they become chunky and stubborn (old-man-on-a-yacht Leo).

Timothée Chalamet: Italian Greyhound
Angular, slender, loves a trendy little outfit, and being kept by Kylie Jenner.

Kevin Hart: Chihuahua
The combative, diminutive foil to his (mastiff) co-star.

Cillian Murphy: ?
Cillian Murphy is a cat.

Bark bark woof woof.