Monday, February 12, 2024

Down, Boy

Not All Men (Are Golden Retrievers) — Humor from The New Yorker’s Rohita Kadambi.

“Golden Retriever Men” have been hailed as the generation’s new heartthrobs, beloved by young, social media-addicted singletons. On TikTok, videos with the hashtags “#goldenretrievermen” and “#goldenretrieverboys” have collectively clocked up tens of millions of views . . . But what is a Golden Retriever Man? It doesn’t refer to the owners of the dogs, but to the men who actually possess the same qualities as the canine. —New York Post

We at the American Kennel Club implore the public to end the golden-retriever-boyfriend discourse. There are a hundred and ninety A.K.C.-recognized dog breeds, and not every man is a golden retriever. Travis Kelce, for instance, is not a golden retriever. Golden retrievers can sniff out low blood sugar and detect cancer. They essentially graduated from canine medical school. Travis Kelce is a mastiff. Mastiffs are physically intimidating, cuddly, and not exactly super smart. That’s fine. He’s still a multimillionaire who is dating Taylor Swift. Who needs med school?

Let’s take a look at some other celebrity examples of #notgoldenretrievermen:

Tom Holland: Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
Both are affable and friendly, with adorable little faces. Both can also fit in a purse, ideally a Birkin bag, and are the perfect accessory for a super-stylish woman (Zendaya).

Ryan Reynolds: German Shorthaired Pointer
Pointers have a niche talent—they make fantastic hunting dogs but aren’t super versatile when it comes to other skills. Reynolds, similarly, is very good at one thing (branding). And, aw, he looks cute doing it!

Ryan Gosling: Australian Shepherd
These dogs are known for their beauty and uncanny ability to remember specific commands. Gosling started his career as a child actor (puppy) on “The Mickey Mouse Club,” and retained early singing and dancing skills (tricks) for use in “La La Land” and “Barbie.”

Jeremy Strong: Standard Poodle
The dude is an intellectual. If any dog is going to use the word “dramaturgically” correctly in a sentence, it’s a standard poodle. Strong, like a poodle, can come across as aloof and fancy, but he’s so good at what he does that you don’t really care.

The Rock: Also a Mastiff
See: Travis Kelce.

Andrew Garfield: English Springer Spaniel
Much as how a springer spaniel can be either a ferocious hunting dog or a goofy family pet, Andrew Garfield can be Spider-Man or Biff Loman. Highly trainable, photogenic, charismatic.

Pedro Pascal: Pitbull
Can come across as a terrifyingly muscular action hero, but is, at heart, the pet of a peaceful queer woman (Sarah Paulson) who likes to dress him in designer knitwear.

Oscar Isaac: Corgi
A charismatic short king who is a favorite among millennials who make their “Star Wars” fandom (and love of Ewok-esque creatures) a personality trait.

Jon Hamm: Boxer
Handsome and rugged at first glance, but actually just a goofball who takes direction best from strong women like Tina Fey.

James Marsden: Siberian Husky
Has killer blue eyes, and just wants to dance around and make a lot of noise (until Tina Fey intervenes).

Michael B. Jordan: Belgian Malinois
The Belgian Malinois, like Jordan, is undaunted by the task of doing his own highly athletic stunts if the role requires it.

Tom Cruise: Jack Russell Terrier
Will also do his own stunts, but in a totally different size category. Will become intensely loyal to problematic figures if there are treats involved.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Beagle
Beagles make for some of the cutest puppies, kind of like late-nineties DiCaprio. They also keep their youthful puppy energy for a long time. But, as beagles age, they become chunky and stubborn (old-man-on-a-yacht Leo).

Timothée Chalamet: Italian Greyhound
Angular, slender, loves a trendy little outfit, and being kept by Kylie Jenner.

Kevin Hart: Chihuahua
The combative, diminutive foil to his (mastiff) co-star.

Cillian Murphy: ?
Cillian Murphy is a cat.

Bark bark woof woof.

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Sunday, December 31, 2023

Sunday, December 24, 2023

Sunday Reading

Modern Problems for Santa — Eli Grober in The New Yorker reports on the trials of an EV sleigh.

Facial recognition for sleigh ignition is unable to recognize Santa consistently through beard and hat.

Range is a little less than four hundred miles. Nearest village to the North Pole is about eight hundred miles away.

“Frunk” full of presents keeps catching fire.

Reindeer have begun to protest what they believe to be unlawful termination. Santa disagrees—insists that he doesn’t “need those weird little horses anymore.”

Rudolph is suing for I.P.—believes red-nose technology was plagiarized.

Mrs. Claus has surprisingly widespread investments in fossil-fuel companies, and keeps trying to sabotage the Tesla sleigh.

Santa dangerously distracted by sleigh’s touch-screen gaming console.

Sleigh auto-parks while Santa is inside each house putting presents under the tree. When he exits via the chimney, he has no idea where the sleigh is.

Self-driving system keeps trying to take Santa’s sleigh on the highway.

Internal sleigh navigation won’t synch with the “naughty” or “nice” lists.

Santa inexplicably builds tunnel for sleigh, claiming “tunnels are faster than the air.”

Tunnel collapses. Santa blames “the libs.”

Elves assigned to sleigh repair report inhumane working conditions, vote to unionize. Santa declares, “I’ll just fucking do it myself,” and fires entire staff.

Santa unable to “just fucking do it” himself. Attempts to rehire recently fired elves.

Sleigh too tall, sensors unable to recognize elves or children. Sleigh is recalled owing to safety concerns.

Santa is forced to liquidate most North Pole assets to pay for updated sleigh model.

A frustrated Santa shouts, “Merry Christmas to only some of you!” as sleigh flies across the sky. Christmas stock plummets to all-time low.

Someone impersonates Santa’s sleigh on Twitter and convinces millions of people that Christmas has been cancelled.

Charging station at North Pole far too cold to function—sleigh unable to start. Santa’s mittens prevent use of touch screen, V.R. reins, and door handles.

Sleigh just exploded.

Doonesbury — Surf’s up.

Friday, December 15, 2023

Happy Friday

In honor (or is it honour) of the impending visit of my friend Danny from the UK for the holidays, plus having just binged the last season of “The Crown,” I offer an explanation of the rules of cricket by Simon Webster in The New Yorker.

Cricket is the second most popular sport in the world, with some two and a half billion fans globally, including several Americans. And there’s always room for more, which is why I’ve prepared this short summary of the rules of the game, to spread the gospel, so to speak. My hope is that these brief and straightforward instructions will bring legions of new fans into the British Empire—I mean, global cricket family.

First off, for a game of cricket you should set aside anywhere between two hours and fourteen days, although this will not guarantee a result. Cricket is like a liquid—it will take the shape of its container, and occasionally spill from it.

Speaking of shapes, for your playing surface you will need a large circular area. Grass is ideal. Dirt or gravel is permissible but frowned upon. If your area is rectangular, you might want to consider criquette, the French alternative.

Now contact your local vicar and request the personal telephone numbers of as many bakers, butchers, and bumbling policemen as the vicar can provide. The involvement of such village stalwarts is mandatory and, it is felt, adds to the spirit of rivalry. A local magistrate will referee.

The match shall begin precisely six minutes after the tossing of three coins or the eating of a ceremonial pie, which may contain either rabbit or quail. If coins are tossed and all three land on heads, both teams must link arms and deliver a rousing rendition of “God Save the King.” Should anyone smirk during its performance, they must either forfeit one run or remove their sweater, unless it is unseasonably warm, in which case they must put a sweater on.

The players shall then proceed to the arena. Acceptable modes of transit include a 1969 Mini Cooper, any model of Range Rover that Prince Philip once drove, or a hackney carriage. If anyone opts to travel by Tube, expect delays.

Trumpets herald the arrival of the players at the arena. And, without further ado—aside from a pigeon race, a short ceremony to honor the county’s best-kept village, and a brief spell of morris dancing—play shall begin.

Each side must field somewhere between two and eleven players, some of whom shall carry flattened truncheons, while others toss about leather balls. Everyone is smoking a pipe.

The aim of cricket is to accumulate as many credits as possible whilst avoiding strikes. This is achieved by rounding the bases without alerting the opposing team’s catcher. Winking is strictly prohibited.

After the opening passage of play, break for sandwiches. Sliced cucumber (white bread, crust off) will score you double points; tuna salad or curried egg will earn a deduction, but will be worth it, gastronomically.

Before play resumes, remove two dozen Cumberland sausages from the freezer. If you do not have access to Cumberlands, Wiltshires will do. If no Wiltshires, consider weenies or frankfurters—but, remember, you will have to manually convert from miles to kilometres.

Substitutes are allowed for any players who become injured, respond poorly to the tuna-salad or curried-egg sandwiches, or, in the case of policemen, in the event that a string of grisly murders is committed in a nearby market town.

After an hour or so, break for a pheasant shoot.

And, folks, those are the bones of it! By the end of Day One, the score should be something like one-half for three of a possible eleven out of twelve. But do not worry if you haven’t achieved such a rating—we are still some days away from being able to establish which team is in the lead.

What’s important is that—amid the rituals and traditions, the seesawing fortunes, the operatic highs, and the depths of despair—you don’t lose sight of cricket’s quiet serendipity, of its ability to reach across borders, continents, and generations to console and to unite. If you can do this, I think you’ll agree that cricket’s enduring popularity is more than just a relic of brutal imperialism—it is democracy manifest. And we could all use a bit more of that.

So, this weekend, why not gather thirteen to twenty-seven of your dearest friends, find a semicircular patch of gravel or a long strip of grass, bring three dozen hard-boiled eggs, two pitching wedges, and an empty claw-foot bathtub, and—provided the wind is blowing from a northeasterly direction—have yourselves a game of cricket.

With any luck, you’ll be done in time for Christmas.

In fair exchange, I’ll offer Danny an explanation of American football.

Saturday, December 9, 2023

Shopping For Friends

From at The New Yorker.

What a fun night—I had a great time hanging out with you! Honestly, making new friends as an adult can be tough, so I’m thrilled that we got to know each other a little better. I’d love to do it again sometime, but first you’ll need to choose which Friendship with Jeff Plan™ is right for you.

Acquaintance Basic
A popular, no-frills package for people who aren’t looking for anything serious. You won’t have to hear about my emotional problems, and if you try to tell me yours be prepared for a response that could range from banal platitude to meaningless cliché. You just got put on Lexapro? Everything happens for a reason. Your dad got shingles? Easy come, easy go. You got laid off yesterday? That’s a spicy meatball.

Broke Standard
This plan, in which we hang out only when my checking account has forty dollars or less in it, offers unbeatable companionship for the low, low price of my meal. I’ll get you back soon, I swear. Hey, mind if I hop in your Lyft?

Sunday Sports Sidekick
Get ready for beer, wings, and passionate sports chants that provide a substitute for the warmth we never got from our fathers. If our team scores, you score a hug! (The tough-guy kind that begins like a cool handshake.) The starter package covers football, baseball, and basketball, but if you upgrade now we can also discuss that thing in the Olympics where the person skis and then shoots a gun.

Sudden-Wealth Insurance
For a reasonable premium of two (2) funny texts per month and an annual dinner-party invitation, I promise that our friendship won’t get weird if I suddenly start making way more money than you. Sure, I’ll drive a Bentley and have brand-new opinions about truffles, but I’ll still be the same guy.

Straight Shooter (Pay as You Go)
Includes honest, unfiltered opinions about your new haircut (unflattering), your tech-startup idea (unfeasible), and whether our server is into you (did you seriously just ask me that?). Because this Jeff Plan™ can be blunt, you’re free to switch to a more diplomatic package anytime, such as the Have You Been Lifting? Plan, the Anyone Would Be Lucky to Be with You Plan, or the I’m Sure That Mole Is Nothing Plan.

Jeff en Español
We can discuss everything that my Spanish vocabulary permits: types of meat, the numbers one through fourteen, and most of “Oye Cómo Va.”

Enabler Plus
Whatever your vice is, I will fan its flames. Comes with a heads-up that your loved ones have planned an intervention, and also a complimentary lift to the track, bar, or regional hoarders convention. And don’t worry—in the event that you turn your life around, this plan can be downgraded to one in which we’re still friends but I silently think about how weird you’ve become since finding Jesus.

Two-Bud Bundle
Includes a bonus buddy, Gavin, who will invite himself along whenever we hang out. Gavin has opinions on what kind of people make the best drivers. Gavin considers himself extremely good at karaoke. Gavin chews tobacco. By the time you begin to suspect that this friendship plan is a ploy to pawn Gavin off on you, it will be too late. Gavin is yours now. Good luck.

Ride-or-Die Deluxe
This is your top-tier Jeff, the crème de la crème. If you get married, you better believe that I’m giving a speech! Will it be packed with inside jokes that most of the crowd will have to nod politely through? I can answer that with two words: Vegas mechanic. And, if your marriage should fail, I promise to cut your ex out of my life completely. In fact, I never liked that person in the first place! Sorry, was it too soon to tell you that? Just know that I’m here for you, pal. Hey, want to catch a movie tonight? No? That’s cool. What? Your therapist thinks I’m putting all my energy into our friendship to avoid thinking about why I haven’t had a successful romantic relationship in eight years? No way, dude. You’re hilarious.

Friend (with Ads)
Our friendship will be periodically interrupted by a thirty-second commercial for Tostitos.

I’m sorry to report that Andy Borowitz, whose humor brightened these pages for a long time, is no longer with The New Yorker.  But I hope to post his work wherever he lands.  Yuck it up.

Monday, December 4, 2023

Complex Guy

I haven’t seen the new movie about Napoleon, and I really don’t intend to.  After all, I didn’t bother with Barbie, and I figured that three hours with Robert Oppenheimer met the quota for bio-film this year.  But I do appreciate a little insight beyond the legends, and getting to know an autocrat beyond the shouting and the conquering might come in handy in the current political climate.  So this bit of backstory from Graham Techler in The New Yorker might help understand this complex character.

Everyone’s familiar with the Napoleon complex—a syndrome wherein a man displays aggressive or domineering behavior to compensate for his short stature. But, if you knew the guy, the shortness hangup was only the tip of the iceberg.

Napoleon also had a weird thing about people using coasters in his home, even though the coffee table was all scuffed up from Napoleon standing on it all the time to stay in your line of vision. He wouldn’t actually remind you to use a coaster if you put a drink down without one, he’d just act really distant until you figured it out.

He had to turn off motion-smoothing on TVs, even those belonging to other people. They’d say, “Napoleon, it’s fine. It doesn’t bother us.” And he’d say, “No, everything looks like a soap opera. I can’t let you live like this,” then he’d mess around with the settings for, like, an hour. I’ve known Napoleon to derail at least four Super Bowl parties this way.

Napoleon didn’t have a Madonna-whore complex, but that was cold comfort to anyone Napoleon was hooking up with. He’d be all over them until they asked if he was interested in a monogamous relationship, then he’d tell them that “power was his mistress” and that he’d “worked too hard at her conquest to allow anyone to take her from him.” Women don’t like when you say stuff like that.

Napoleon was really bad with money. That’s not a complex, per se, but I don’t know how else to categorize someone with that much credit-card debt from commissioning portraits of himself on a horse. You’d think one horse portrait would be enough, but someone forgot to tell Napoleon, apparently.

Hard guy to shop for, Napoleon. If you tried to be thoughtful, and got him a regiment of grenadiers you remembered him once mentioning he’d like to command, he’d say, “I actually already have a bunch of these.” Then he’d pat you on the back, avoiding eye contact, and add, “Uh, glory is fleeting, obscurity is forever.” O.K., Napoleon. I was looking for “thank you.”

Napoleon went to a state school. Which is fine, obviously. No one really cares about that kind of thing except Napoleon, who was constantly saying, “Yeah, I went to a state school, but it wasn’t like a lot of the other state schools, it was, like, one of the really good state schools—they actually called my state school the ‘Harvard of the Provinces,’ ” etc., etc. We caught him leaving a magazine open to an article titled “State Schools That Could Be Ivies” around the apartment every time people were over. Move on, Napoleon.

Finally, Napoleon had a really healthy relationship with both of his parents. He called them twice a week and never forgot their birthdays. How messed up is that?

Sometimes a gag order is worth it.

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Imagine That, George

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an announcement that many in Washington felt was overdue, Representative George Santos said that he was resigning from Congress to spend more time with his imaginary family.

“As much as I’ve loved this job, it’s taken me away from my kids,” he said. “And to them I say: Blake, Kaylee, Agnes, Skip, Molly, Charlie, Leeann, and Rex, Daddy’s coming home.”

He thanked his children for taking care of his many imaginary pets, including a marmot named Jerry and a python named Estelle.

As for his future plans, he said that he would be leaving Congress “to go back to my first love: being a member of the Beatles.”

“Today is an emotional day for me,” he said. “If I don’t look emotional, it’s because of the Botox.”

So go already.

Friday, November 10, 2023

Happy Friday

Who’s Your Daddy — Humor from Andy Borowitz.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Ivanka Trump raised eyebrows during her testimony in a Manhattan courtroom on Wednesday when she appeared unable to remember her father’s name.

Responding to a question from Judge Arthur F. Engoron about Donald J. Trump’s business dealings, Ms. Trump stared blankly and said, “I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with that person.”

Reminded that Donald J. Trump was, in fact, her father, she replied, “Huh. O.K., if you say so. I have to say that the name isn’t ringing a bell for me right now.”

As for the inner workings of her father’s business, Ms. Trump testified that she had been too busy driving her own company into the ground to recall anything about his.

According to one observer at the trial, Ms. Trump’s memory lapses were “concerning,” but “she still seemed sharper than Eric.”

And she’s considered to be the bright one in the family.

Morning orchid for therapy.

 

Thursday, November 2, 2023

Who’s Crazy Now?

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Expressing concern about the wife of the new Speaker of the House, Ginni Thomas said that Kelly Johnson “seems a little crazy” to her.

“I don’t know Kelly personally, so this is just based on what I’ve read,” Thomas said. “But I have to say—she comes off like kind of a crackpot.”

Noting that the operating agreement of Johnson’s counselling company, Onward Christian Counseling, appears to equate sex outside of marriage with bestiality, Thomas added, “I saw that and I was, like, ‘Whoa, Nelly! Looks like we’ve got a bit of a loony tune here.’ ”

Thomas said she became “even more alarmed” when she read that Johnson offers “temperament counseling” based on the teachings of the ancient Greek physician Hippocrates.

“Someone has to tell her to dial it back a smidge,” Thomas said. “When you’re married to one of the most powerful people in the government, you can’t go around sounding like you’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

John Cole from Balloon Juice:

One of the more infuriating things about people in the mainstream starting to wake up to the fact that the Republicans are overtly all about Christian nationalists is remembering all the times I argued with people and they ignored me- “Trust me they don’t just want to stop at 16 weeks they want to end it for everyone and ending abortion is just the beginning” and get met with “no they don’t just a few crazy ones.” As Americans become less religious the ones who are religious have become louder and more crazy. And I am just tired of their stranglehold on public policy.

I hear it’s nice in Nuremberg this time of year.

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

Friday, October 27, 2023

Happy Friday

MAGA Time Machine — Humor from Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stirring acceptance speech after being elected Speaker of the House, Rep. Mike Johnson vowed to be “the greatest Speaker of the seventeenth century.”

“For years, time travel was the stuff of science fiction,” he said. “Now, as I take this majestic nation back four hundred years, I will make that dream a reality.”

Noting that L.G.B.T.Q. and women’s rights would be subject to his review, he said that he would also be taking a “hard look at some other so-called innovations, such as electricity and soap.”

“My message to the American people is simple: I work for thee,” he said.

When a reporter pointed out that there was no such thing as a Speaker of the House in the seventeenth century, Johnson replied, “I see you’ve been reading history books. Enjoy them while you can.”

The guy sounds like he’s from Florida.

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

Lock The Door

Humor from Andy Borowitz.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to become Speaker of the House faced a new obstacle after news spread that he had accidentally locked himself in his congressional bathroom.

The Ohio congressman, who had been expected to meet with holdouts opposing his candidacy, was missing for hours before aides noticed a desperate bellowing sound from inside his office’s water closet.

Jordan’s inability to engineer an exit from his own restroom raised fresh questions about his fitness to be Speaker, with some questioning whether he should be trusted with a large, potentially dangerous wooden hammer.

But, supporters like Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene pronounced Jordan’s self-imprisonment in his bathroom irrelevant. “I accidentally lock myself in my bathroom three, four times a week, and it hasn’t kept me from being an excellent leader,” she said.

Funny because it’s possible.

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Family Feud

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Members of the group known as QAnon are warning that the Independent candidacy of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., will siphon off votes from the highly anticipated 2024 bid of John F. Kennedy, Jr.

Harland Dorrinson, a QAnon spokesman, called R.F.K., Jr.,’s decision to run as an Independent “a blatant attempt to confuse voters” who were planning to support his celebrated cousin.

“Maybe this is what R.F.K., Jr., was planning from the very beginning,” he said. “I’m not a paranoid person, but it almost seems like a conspiracy.”

“We at QAnon need to spread the word that there is only one real Kennedy running in 2024, and that’s J.F.K., Jr.,” he said. “Accept no substitutes.”

For his part, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., appeared undeterred by QAnon’s criticism, as he announced that he had already received several major endorsements from voices inside his head.

R.F.K., Jr. added, “You are dead to me.”

Thursday, October 5, 2023

Everyone Into The Pool

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an agreement that members of the G.O.P. conference are calling a game changer, every House Republican will serve as Speaker for a term of four minutes.

At the end of each four-minute term, Rep. Matt Gaetz, of Florida, will advance a motion to vacate the chair, after which the Speaker will be forced to clean out his or her office and start working from Starbucks.

Once the Speaker has been removed, Republicans will recess for a week before choosing who will serve for the next four minutes.

Future Speaker of the House George Santos of New York hailed the agreement as “the best idea I’ve seen in my thirty years in Congress.”

Another future Speaker, Marjorie Taylor Greene, of Georgia, said that the arrangement would restore Americans’ faith in the Republicans’ ability to govern. “With this distraction out of the way, we can get back to the important business of impeaching Hunter Biden,” she said.

Mr. Speaker, I’ll have a short Pike Place Market with a shot of cream, please.

Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Child’s Play

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign of the worsening feud among congressional Republicans, Representative Matt Gaetz lashed out at Kevin McCarthy, accusing the Speaker of “behaving like an adult.”

“Listening to others and striking a compromise are adulthood at its worst,” he charged. “Kevin McCarthy needs to look at himself in the mirror and ask if he wants to be an adult, or a Republican.”

Gaetz said that, now that McCarthy has “crossed a red line into adult behavior,” there was “no telling” what he might do next. “Soon he’ll be sitting still and keeping his hands to himself,” he said.

“I guess when it comes down to it, Kevin likes adults,” he noted. “I’ve always preferred children.”

Speaking to reporters, McCarthy bristled at being called an adult by a member of his own conference. “I don’t see how name-calling solves anything,” he said.

End of play.

Thursday, September 28, 2023

Teachable Moment

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Graduates of Trump University are incensed that they were never taught that defrauding banks was a crucial strategy to building a real-estate empire, the grads have confirmed.

In interviews with Trump U. alumni, the former students expressed shock and dismay that such an important entrepreneurial skill was somehow omitted from the school’s curriculum.

“If I had learned to defraud banks, my post-Trump University career would have played out very differently,” Tracy Klugian, class of 2006, said. “As it is, I’ve gone bankrupt four times.”

“Every time a bank asked me how much my properties were worth, I put down the correct figure,” Harland Dorrinson, class of 2007, said. “Trump University really should have taught me how important it is to just pick a big number out of thin air.”

Carol Foyler, ’08, said that, given the school’s failure to teach the fundamentals of asset overvaluation and bank swindling, her Trump University diploma “isn’t worth the Staples printer paper it was printed on.”

“Trump University claimed it would teach me all of Donald Trump’s real-estate secrets,” she said. “Now it seems like he kept his most important secrets secret.”

They should sue.

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

Go Mess In Texas

They’re coddling criminals, according to Andy Borowitz:

TEXAS (The Borowitz Report)—Thousands of hardened criminals poured into Texas over the weekend after learning how easy it is to secure an acquittal there.

Interstate freeways were reportedly backed up for miles as acquittal-seeking perpetrators sought to put down roots in soft-on-crime Texas.

Harland Dorrinson, a self-styled recidivist who has been convicted in Ohio, Missouri, and Wisconsin, said that he was heading to the Lone Star state because, “in Texas, no one is below the law.”

“An acquittal is yours for the asking if you’re white, male, and nefarious,” he said. “I check all the boxes.”

When told that one must also be elected as a Republican in order to qualify for Texas’s special “conviction exemption,” the career criminal was unfazed, noting that “even Greg Abbott” managed to do that.

There’s room at the Rebar Hotel in Waco.

Friday, September 15, 2023

Happy Friday

More humor from Andy Borowitz.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an irate letter to the White House, Kevin McCarthy and other congressional Republicans have demanded that President Biden reveal why they are impeaching him.

The letter claims that, after Republicans announced their impeachment inquiry, “the White House has stubbornly refused to provide us with any reasons for our doing so.”

The Republicans go on to demand that Biden reveal the rationale for his ouster “immediately, or face the consequences.”

“The American people are waiting, Mr. President, for you to explain to us why we are impeaching you,” the letter concludes. “Your silence will not be forgiven.”

Hunter Biden has 88 more indictments to go to catch up with Trump.  Get on with it, kid.

Tuesday, September 12, 2023

These Boots Were Made For Something

Humor from Andy Borowitz:

TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Faced with mounting campaign bills and dwindling donations, Ron DeSantis revealed on Friday that he had been forced to sell his beloved white go-go boots.

The Florida governor appeared anguished by the loss of his go-go boots, which aides disclosed were by far the most cherished footwear he owned.

DeSantis said that he had tried to make cuts elsewhere to preserve his ownership of the boots but that, “in the end, the numbers didn’t add up.”

“In a perfect world, I could run for President and own white go-go boots,” he said. “Sadly, we do not live in that world.”

He’s gonna have to settle for Jimmy Buffett’s old flip-flops.