Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Probably The Stupidest Thing You’ll Read Today

Megan McArdle at The Daily Beast says that to prevent another schoolhouse massacre, kids should rush the attacker.

I’d also like us to encourage people to gang rush shooters, rather than following their instincts to hide; if we drilled it into young people that the correct thing to do is for everyone to instantly run at the guy with the gun, these sorts of mass shootings would be less deadly, because even a guy with a very powerful weapon can be brought down by 8-12 unarmed bodies piling on him at once.

Apparently she was serious.

Not that I would wish that sort of thing on anyone, but the next time it happens, let’s all turn to Ms. McArdle and tell her, “You first.”

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Tax Cuts For Sperm?

Michigan legislators skate very close to The Onion’s territory:

State legislators in Michigan held a hearing on Tuesday to consider House Bills 5684 and 5685, which would allow taxpayers to receive tax relief for unborn fetuses past 12 weeks’ gestation. The proposed legislation is an odd push for Michigan Republicans, partly because Progress Michigan notes the state slashed tax credits for children last year — meaning that although parents living in Michigan do not qualify for additional tax breaks to offset the cost of caring for their own children, they could soon be able to claim a tax credit for an unborn fetus.

The standard line is that the right-to-lifers care very much about a child from conception to birth, but after that, hey kid, you’re on your own.  That was supposed to be a joke.

Monday, November 19, 2012

That’s The Ticket

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time.

The Republican Party has been doing a lot of hand-wringing and finger-pointing since the presidential election. Half the conservative columnists and bloggers say the GOP lost because it overemphasized social issues such as abortion and gay marriage. The other half says the party didn’t emphasize them enough. And everyone denounces Project ORCA, the campaign’s attempt to turn out voters via technology.

But I’ve got a suggestion for cutting short the GOP angst: Sarah Palin for president in 2016.

You think I’m joking? Think again.

This is Charlotte Allen, writing in the Los Angeles Times, not The Onion.  She informs us that the former half-term governor who quit her job to promote herself and get paid a shitload is truly ready to handle the challenges of America for us because, well, she is.

Hardly anyone could be more blue collar than Palin, out on the fishing boat with her hunky blue-collar husband, Todd. Palin is “View”-ready, she’s “Ellen”-ready, she’s Kelly-and-Michael-ready.

A Palin “war against women”? Hah! Not only is she a woman, she’s got a single-mom daughter, Bristol, to help with the swelling single-mom demographic. On social issues, Palin, unlike Romney, has been absolutely consistent. And let’s remember that most Americans, whatever their view of choice, disapprove of most abortions.

Gay marriage? Palin opposes it. But she is also a strong advocate of states’ rights, and I’m betting she’d be fine with letting states and their voters grapple with the issue on their own. Remember that all of America didn’t swing toward approval of gay marriage on Nov. 6. Three reliably blue states and their voters did. If she were smart, Palin would recruit a member of her impressive gay fanboy base — yes, she has one — to help run her campaign. I nominate Kevin DuJan of the widely read gay conservative blog HillBuzz, a Palin stalwart since 2008.

She’s got it all!  She looks good on the TV, she’s got women’s issues covered because her daughter had sex, and she’s got a gay friend.  So if she doesn’t make it, she could have her own reality show.  (Oh, wait…)  Besides, the Republicans have always gone gaga for stars (except all those Hollywood liberals, y’know), and she’s a perfect fit to fill the shoes of the saint.

Ever since the 1990s, Republicans have been looking for the next Ronald Reagan. Reagan is now revered in bipartisan circles, but during his presidency he was, like Palin, ridiculed by liberals. They cited “Bedtime for Bonzo” and sneered at his no-name college degree.

Sarah Palin is the new Ronald Reagan: charming and affable and unwilling to back down if she’s right. I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

I know it would be comedy gold, and I know that she would rack up the worst election results for the GOP since Barry Goldwater, but it’s not going to happen.  Why would she give up the cushy life free of any consequential responsibility to actually work for a living?  Forget it.  Besides, the job only pays $400,000 a year, and she could make more money doing her schtick twice a week on Fox.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Not From The Onion

Michael (“Heckuvajob Brownie”) Brown, failed ex-head of FEMA under George W. Bush who completely screwed up Hurricane Katrina recovery efforts, on President Obama’s response to Hurricane Sandy:

“One thing he’s gonna be asked is, why did he jump on [the hurricane] so quickly and go back to D.C. so quickly when in…Benghazi, he went to Las Vegas?” Brown says. “Why was this so quick?… At some point, somebody’s going to ask that question…. This is like the inverse of Benghazi.”

Yeah: he’s saying President Obama responded too quickly.

There’s never a large polo mallet around when you need one.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Where Is The Rain, Mr. President?

No, this is not from The Onion:

Boehner’s Office Says Obama Avoiding Personal Responsibility For Drought

On its website and in an email Monday, House Speaker John Boehner’s office said President Obama needs to take personal responsibility for the drought ravaging the Midwest.

Obama, “continues to blame anyone and everyone for the drought but himself,” reads a release from Boehner’s office posted online and distributed to reporters Monday. The quote was attributed to Boehner himself in a Financial Times story. The online post and the press release came from Boehner spokesperson Kevin Smith.

Um… yeah. I got nothing.

Where Is The Rain, Mr. President?

No, this is not from The Onion:

Boehner’s Office Says Obama Avoiding Personal Responsibility For Drought

On its website and in an email Monday, House Speaker John Boehner’s office said President Obama needs to take personal responsibility for the drought ravaging the Midwest.

Obama, “continues to blame anyone and everyone for the drought but himself,” reads a release from Boehner’s office posted online and distributed to reporters Monday. The quote was attributed to Boehner himself in a Financial Times story. The online post and the press release came from Boehner spokesperson Kevin Smith.

Um… yeah. I got nothing.